Sometimes — against my better judgment — I feel drawn to watch clips like this of Trump being a stunningly blatant despicable asshole, and I feel so much contempt for the man, so much sheer blistering hatred for all the harm he’s done and pain he’s inflicted on other people and creatures and our ecosphere, so remorselessly, just lying and lying and lying his bloated stupid face off, and these feelings of hatred do not feel good. They seize me and kind of depress me.
Then I scroll Facebook (or more YouTube clips) and take some comfort in the fact that millions and millions of people are feeling just as I do about Trump. And I then think, “What a strange communion to share.” And yet I’m grateful for it.
I know how unspiritual such thoughts and feelings are, but I figure it’s better to acknowledge them and look at them objectively rather than repress them. (And it’s also unspiritual to judge.)
A few hours after viewing this clip a couple of weeks ago, I went swimming at the East Portland Community Center, and thoughts of someone I knew many years ago floated into my head, as I myself floated on kickboards down the slow lap lane.
This person I was thinking of needed a lot of attention, or at least they thought they did. They were actually a very intelligent, talented, strong individual in many ways, and yet they seemed to constantly require other people’s attention, and they had a vast repertoire of techniques to compel that attention. It was exhausting to be around them.
Thinking about this person, I realized something. The reason that they wanted attention all the time was that getting other people’s attention was the only way they ever felt loved. They simply didn’t know how to generate love from inside. At core, they didn’t feel they were lovable.
And then I thought of Trump again. Wow! What massive need that guy must have! What kind of an infinite black hole is he trying to fill, putting his name on everything from coins to buildings, constantly boasting in tweets and spoken words about how great he is, and how underappreciated for all his greatness?
Of course his behavior is absurd and sickening and I suppose you could call him a “malignant narcissist,” whatever that is. But what struck me there in the swimming pool was that the man obviously has a massive galaxy-sized black hole in the center of his heart, which he can never fill. His craving for love is so helpless, so frantic, so hopeless, that he’ll even derive fuel from hatred, because at least it’s attention. He needs continual attention and can never get enough.
And he’s president of the U.S.! What does this say about our country, our collective heart?
One thing I’m sure of is that those of us who loathe him with a passion as well as those who are devoted to him are likewise feeding his insatiable need, dumping our emotional energy wastefully into the big black hole of his soul, where it disappears forever.
So … all these thoughts were running furiously through my mind there in the pool and there was one other person sharing the slow lane – a complete stranger – and at one point we both reached the edge of the pool at the same time, and I said to her, “I’m winning the slowness sweepstakes,” and she laughed and replied, “Oh, it’s not really a competition.”
And because all my Trumpy thoughts were practically bursting from my brain (yeah, I was stoned), I asked her, “May I tell you a revelation I just had about Trump?”
She looked puzzled. “Sure. I guess.”
“First of all, I want to make sure I don’t offend you, because what I have to say is critical of Trump. If you like Trump, I won’t say it.”
“No, that’s fine,” she said, chuckling. “Go ahead.”
So I spilled my thoughts to this person. It took, I think, about 60 seconds, which is actually a pretty long time to talk uninterrupted, especially to a stranger. But I could see by her face that she was absorbing every word.
I concluded by saying something like: “But even though I understand all that, I still get so enraged at him!”
And she replied, in an instant: “Well, in our personal lives, when we’re in a relationship with someone like that, who’s narcissistic and destructive and self-destructive and drains all your energy, the healthy, sane thing to do is end the relationship. But you can’t do that with Trump because he’s president. That’s why you’re so mad.”
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