WALLACE: Well, gentleman, as you know, we’re back together tonight via Zoom because the American people deserve a REAL debate after Tuesday evening’s train wreck, dumpster fire, shit show, worst debate in the history …
TRUMP (red-faced): That is FAKE NEWS! I won the debate, I DESTROYED him, but the phony media is making up this hoax about a bad debate. It was the BEST debate and BEST debate performance ever by a president! Everybody’s saying that. You know that. Everyone except the fake news is saying that!
BIDEN: Yap on, man.
WALLACE: As I was saying, gentlemen … because you, Mr. President, may be infectious, we are meeting tonight via Zoom ….
TRUMP: No, HE’S the infectious one!
WALLACE: Mr. President, please. You’ll like our first question, I promise. [smiles slyly; then looks straight into camera] Now, both campaigns have agreed ahead of time that all of tonight’s questions will be drawn at random from the Higher Thought Cannabis Game deck by a preselected committee of undecided voters. Mr. President, the first question goes to you. Do trees sleep?
TRUMP: Nawww. Look, you can’t tell me they’re sleeping! Trees don’t sleep. They’re always waving their branches in the wind and going crazy … I will tell you, they’re out of their minds! If trees had their way, we’d all be vegetables! Trees are not good people. Some of them are poisonous. You don’t like to hear that but you know it’s true. Everyone knows it. But they can’t sleep because they’re not like sleepy Joe Biden. They don’t sleep.
WALLACE: Mr. Vice President.
BIDEN: Look. Here’s the deal. No one knows whether trees can sleep. The scientists will tell you –
TRUMP: You’re the one who sleeps! Why don’t you go into the woods and show them how to sleep, huh, Joe?
WALLACE: Mr. President, please. Give the vice-president a chance to –
TRUMP: Oh so now I’m debating both of you. Fine. Fine.
BIDEN (looking the camera dead in the eye): For you people at home, for what matters to YOU, you may be wondering if it matters whether or not trees sleep. My promise to you is this. I will leave it up to the scientists. I will take their expert opinion and THAT will be the basis of my action on the matter of whether or not trees sleep or whether or not it matters whether or not trees sleep. I will NOT disregard the science and refuse to wear a mask near a tree if –
WALLACE: Thank you, Mr. Vice-President. Your two minutes are up. The next question goes to you first. Does –
TRUMP: What? So now I NEVER get to talk??!
WALLACE: No, Mr. President, you’ll get a chance to answer –
TRUMP (waving his hand disgustedly): He’ll talk to the scientists. That’s a joke. Yeah, he’ll consult the scientists, right? I tell you. What a joke. Everybody knows it’s a joke. The scientists … I will tell you … the scientists don’t know!
BIDEN: Go inject some bleach, Mr. President.
TRUMP: That was sarcastic!
WALLACE: Gentlemen, please. Remember, this is higher thought. The American people will be better served if you honor the sacred, connective, open-hearted, respectful, and loving spirit of the game. Mr. Vice President, Is an ego a good thing to have?
BIDEN: Well, I don’t know. You see, when I was growing up in Scranton, we didn’t have a lot of money, we all had to work hard, so we had to put our egos aside sometimes to help each other out. Just like you at home have to –
TRUMP: He didn’t even live –! He … Scranton Scranton Scranton! He abandoned Pennsylvania! He BETRAYED Pennsylvania!
BIDEN: I was EIGHT YEARS OLD when my family moved …. My lord, can someone put a muzzle on this guy? Chris, can you maybe mute his window?
WALLACE: Done. Go ahead, Mr. Vice President.
BIDEN: See, here’s the deal. It’s good to have an ego, but you have to know what to do with it. You gotta let your ego serve you, not the other way around! Man, we’ve seen what happens these last four years when the ego just takes over everything and doesn’t even CARE about anyone else. That’s the president we’ve been living with. It does not have to be that way! Folks … as your president, I will govern this country with a HEALTHY ego that Stays [hits table] In [hits table] Check. I promise you that from the bottom of my heart, and my ego agrees with me. [big white-teeth Biden smile]
WALLACE: Okay, Mr. President, your microphone is back on now, sir. Is an ego a good thing to have, sir?
TRUMP: Let me tell you something. HE’s the biggest ego of all! Sleepy Joe with the big ego. Imagine that. You know what that is, right? That’s ironic. Ironic. Sleepy Joe with the Big Ego. Yeah. Pretty funny. Me, I’m actually very humble. Ask my wife. Aren’t I humble, sweetheart? Thaaat’s right. Wave to the American people, sweetheart. Good. I’m the humblest president. Maybe the humblest person who ever lived, I don’t know. Maybe me or Abe Lincoln. I don’t even think about it, you know? Because I don’t compare myself. Comparing yourself to other people is for babies like Sleepy Joe. But it’s okay to have an ego. I mean, I put my name on buildings, right? Some people say that’s an ego, I don’t know. And I have A LOT of buildings. The most beautiful buildings.
WALLACE: Okay, gentlemen, we have to take a break. I need a bong hit. Folks at home, we’ll be right back! Stay tuned.